awake in the belly of the night by that nervous scratch of mania that is endlessly rubbing the base of your skull when you’re in the thick of it. a product of the petite demons which congregate along the shoreline of your nerves and nip at your cells. sensations burst and bloom inside as if they were desperate weeds pushing through concrete. i take a deep swallow of stale air and try to fall back asleep; but the body is an animal outside of my own control, and the mind is a pack of wild beasts, hell bent on aggravating every thread of flesh in sight. when i close my eyes, i let my fingers belong to someone else, and collapse entirely into that fantasy. i want it to swallow me whole, i want you to swallow me whole. instead, i rub my legs in an agitated rhythm and try to rock my corporal structure into sleep like a warm bath. let me sink as i open my mouth and let the water flood my throat, lungs, stomach, and veins. i’m at home when i drown.