በሆንኩት፣ ባለኝ ልቤ ሲሞላ፤ ሰላም ነኝ፣ እኖራለሁ ለሌላ (የሃይሌ ሩትስ masterpiece, the lyrics that inspired today's writing)
Random reference, አይደል?😂 I can explain. So once upon a time, I was that girl who tried to do the complete opposite of that. My whole life revolved around helping people however way I could. It's part of why I grew so much interest into mental health and why medicine was my holy grail. It was and still is a big part of who I am, and I can't help it. I partially learned it from my mom who's a softie that cries at the thought of people suffering. She's always helping somebody. Always. And also, I think the world is a very unfair and miserable place. I still do.
Then what's wrong with that? EVERYTHING. As much as it was my passion, it was also an escape. I could completely lose myself in someone else's problems and forget mine ever existed. It was a reason to be too busy to look inwards. I was busy trying to fix everybody while having a mentality that was set up to fail. Did it fail? Yes. An observant and caring person pointed it out to me, which led to a whole personality crisis. Plus, COVID brought me face to face to the multiple elephants in my mind's room. I was trying to give other people a helping hand, when I never considered that I myself needed it too. I then stopped writing here because i had nothing left to say, and it just felt wrong. It wasn't right, my world has to revolve around me, as selfish as that sounds. A sense of self is vital. When things go wrong, I need to have a "me" to come back to and start over from.
I want to know why I do things the way I do them. I want to know where they came from. Good or bad, I want to know me. When I'm 60 and retired, I want to be able to say I did everything to be the best version of me that I can be. I want to say I have no fears left to face. I want to say I stopped passively living like someone who has given up.
*This comes with a lesson. As I was going through the personality crisis I mentioned, it was the worst time of my life. I don't think I'm completely over it now, either. It felt like there was nothing to hold on to and it felt horrible. But የሆነ ነገር ልክ ካልሆነ፣ ፈርሶ ድጋሚ መሰራት አለበት! Even if you'll be homeless during the process. It's for the best. 💛
Random reference, አይደል?😂 I can explain. So once upon a time, I was that girl who tried to do the complete opposite of that. My whole life revolved around helping people however way I could. It's part of why I grew so much interest into mental health and why medicine was my holy grail. It was and still is a big part of who I am, and I can't help it. I partially learned it from my mom who's a softie that cries at the thought of people suffering. She's always helping somebody. Always. And also, I think the world is a very unfair and miserable place. I still do.
Then what's wrong with that? EVERYTHING. As much as it was my passion, it was also an escape. I could completely lose myself in someone else's problems and forget mine ever existed. It was a reason to be too busy to look inwards. I was busy trying to fix everybody while having a mentality that was set up to fail. Did it fail? Yes. An observant and caring person pointed it out to me, which led to a whole personality crisis. Plus, COVID brought me face to face to the multiple elephants in my mind's room. I was trying to give other people a helping hand, when I never considered that I myself needed it too. I then stopped writing here because i had nothing left to say, and it just felt wrong. It wasn't right, my world has to revolve around me, as selfish as that sounds. A sense of self is vital. When things go wrong, I need to have a "me" to come back to and start over from.
I want to know why I do things the way I do them. I want to know where they came from. Good or bad, I want to know me. When I'm 60 and retired, I want to be able to say I did everything to be the best version of me that I can be. I want to say I have no fears left to face. I want to say I stopped passively living like someone who has given up.
*This comes with a lesson. As I was going through the personality crisis I mentioned, it was the worst time of my life. I don't think I'm completely over it now, either. It felt like there was nothing to hold on to and it felt horrible. But የሆነ ነገር ልክ ካልሆነ፣ ፈርሶ ድጋሚ መሰራት አለበት! Even if you'll be homeless during the process. It's for the best. 💛