there is dark, and there is light, while i struggle to allow myself to be swallowed by the latter, i feel a compulsion, a religious devotion to the former that denies me my humanity and exposes me for the filth that i am. i try to be good, and all i feel is bile rising in my throat and tickling my teeth, scalding them sharp; and a rage that rolls as if it were a tide, woven into my being, a natural fluctuation of feeling. i know sadness, i know guilt, but rage, that is the emotion that licks my heart the hardest.