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How can we be bored with a mind like ours; የተዘበራረቀ፣ የሚታወቅ መስሎ ገና ያልተቀመሰ፣ የተወሳሰበ፣ ያልተመረመረ፣ መስተካከሉ የኛ responsibility የሆነ? መልሶች ሁሉ እኮ እዛው ነው ያሉት!


The biggest lesson I learned in my 20's so far is how much it takes away from my soul everytime I'm not true to myself. Everytime I avoid saying what I want to say just to smother someone else's emotions. Everytime I agree to something I absolutely despise just because that's the "right" thing to say. Everytime I deny who I truly am just because someone out there who is fully and unapologetically themselves will be butt hurt about it. ይሉኝታ is what comes close to describe it. There's a stinging sensation that comes right after, followed by emptiness that just seems to grow and grow and grow. Whatever is left of my peace, if there's any, I'm no longer willing to give that away.


"ፀሀይ ስትጠልቅ ግን ለምንድነው ቀይ የምትሆነው?"

"ከኛ በመለየቷ አልቅሳ አልቅሳ፣ አይኗ ስለሚቀላ ነው"

(Paraphrased)

-ቹቹ በጎዳና 😂😂


I don't understand why it can't be sunny, 24 hours a day.




በሆንኩት፣ ባለኝ ልቤ ሲሞላ፤ ሰላም ነኝ፣ እኖራለሁ ለሌላ (የሃይሌ ሩትስ masterpiece, the lyrics that inspired today's writing)

Random reference, አይደል?😂 I can explain. So once upon a time, I was that girl who tried to do the complete opposite of that. My whole life revolved around helping people however way I could. It's part of why I grew so much interest into mental health and why medicine was my holy grail. It was and still is a big part of who I am, and I can't help it. I partially learned it from my mom who's a softie that cries at the thought of people suffering. She's always helping somebody. Always. And also, I think the world is a very unfair and miserable place. I still do.

Then what's wrong with that? EVERYTHING. As much as it was my passion, it was also an escape. I could completely lose myself in someone else's problems and forget mine ever existed. It was a reason to be too busy to look inwards. I was busy trying to fix everybody while having a mentality that was set up to fail. Did it fail? Yes. An observant and caring person pointed it out to me, which led to a whole personality crisis. Plus, COVID brought me face to face to the multiple elephants in my mind's room. I was trying to give other people a helping hand, when I never considered that I myself needed it too. I then stopped writing here because i had nothing left to say, and it just felt wrong. It wasn't right, my world has to revolve around me, as selfish as that sounds. A sense of self is vital. When things go wrong, I need to have a "me" to come back to and start over from.

I want to know why I do things the way I do them. I want to know where they came from. Good or bad, I want to know me. When I'm 60 and retired, I want to be able to say I did everything to be the best version of me that I can be. I want to say I have no fears left to face. I want to say I stopped passively living like someone who has given up.


*This comes with a lesson. As I was going through the personality crisis I mentioned, it was the worst time of my life. I don't think I'm completely over it now, either. It felt like there was nothing to hold on to and it felt horrible. But የሆነ ነገር ልክ ካልሆነ፣ ፈርሶ ድጋሚ መሰራት አለበት! Even if you'll be homeless during the process. It's for the best. 💛


I'm always in a rush. I've been so since I got into med school. Whatever it is I'm doing, theres a feeling in my chest pulling me towards whatever I have to read that day. Its both a blessing and a curse. I can finish eating in less than 10 minutes if I'm stressed enough. And then when I sit down to study, I rush some more cause I have to read this slide, watch that video, and so on. No matter what, it never ends. You'd think it does when I'm on breaks or when I'm in attachments that are more or less chill but, then I rush myself to relax ቶሎ ቶሎ before the storm comes back and all hell breaks loose again. I try to cram all my stress and inner turmoil within a matter of days because if I don't, Monday will come, I'll be crazy busy, and I'll still be miserable.

This feeling always makes me wish I could have 2 lifetimes. One where I'd dive head first into my career and be fully focused into what I'm doing. Imagine all the possibilities of what I could get done. I wouldn't have to worry about work life balance. Maybe ObGyn? I don't know. And a second one, to enjoy the finer things in life. Looking at the sun just admiring the bliss I feel when I see her. Watching movies that intrigue me. Having coffee. Laughing with the girls lounge wst all afternoon. Being with him all the time. Staying up late listening to loud music. Going somewhere new. And one day, having a family of my own. Giving them my 100. Enjoying their company to the fullest. Wouldn't it be great?

💛


If motivation is not truly intrinsic, it never lasts.


What if some things that I consider to be the biggest threats to my existence are actually a bridge that would make me a complete person and an adult? What if I was seeing it as a punishment all along- like a burden I had to carry that no one else has, but it was the one thing that would make me who I'm meant to be?


Cornered, at last.


I felt like I had the foundation of my personality figured out when I was 18. Back when I was here trying to make people feel understood. I was someone...I don't know for sure if I had just convinced myself that I had an identity but it felt good. I wasn't my ideal self yet or even close but believe me, that girl tried to achieve it all.

I didn't know people could be stuck in time. I feel left behind. I feel like everyone else is living in the present (even if it sucks) but I'm still in the beginning of 2020. You'd think I would have had time to process my thoughts since I was at home for 11 months cause of COVID, but I think that only pushed me further into the dark. I actually felt my personality dissolve day by day. And before I knew it, there was nothing left. For the past year or so I've felt like a shell of a person, if that. I don't understand life at all. I don't know where I am now, and I don't know where the hell I'm going. I feel it everyday but I'm usually busy or distracted.

Someone asked me recently who I was and I have been spiralling since then. I can't answer that question. I don't think most would have an answer at the tip of their tongue so I took time to think about it. I honestly don't know. You could ask me what my hobbies are, what I dream of when I think of my future, what I would do if I had an entire day off. I don't know all of that. That would be fine, but what scares me is that I could once write essays on those.

Maybe its the age? I wonder if this happens to people in their 20's. Quarter life crisis? 😂 I don't know.

Med school doesn't help either. Its the only structured thing in my life and it forces me to follow a schedule and grow as a person...but at the same time, it takes so much time and energy out of my life to the point where I'm too drained to think by the end of every exam. I'm just someone that studies everyday. That's not a person, you know.

I'm open to advice. Whether you're in this boat too, have been in the past, or just know what works. @suoicrep 😊

There's a few places that still make me feel like someone. Finding those friends that are just right for you is a blessing and as much as I complain to God about it all, I'm grateful for them, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

(Just another yearly rant. I hope yall are doing good)
💛


I sometimes reread my own posts to see if they meant anything to anyone here. If they gave hope and all that stuff like how intended them to. It's a bit ironic...how I wrote them trying to make people feel better and I'm here looking for that same effect.

People change...or atleast their views of the world change. I know people think the older you get the less happier you are because you've got more responsibilities, more things causing stress, etc. I tried really really hard not to believe that. To prove everyone wrong and be optimistic forever. To keep my chin up. But I think I got sucked into it. 😊

From where I see life right now, its just chaos and fear. I'm just juggling my now and worrying about what's next. What's going to happen to the people I care about. What's going to happen to me. Or this country. What's tomorrow going to jump scare me with?

And before I'm able to comprehend what the hell today was, the next day comes and swamps me with its new events. Right now, I'm just a 3 year long library of unprocessed thoughts and emotions. One on top of the other. Untouched. Unexplored. Feared. Left in the corner.

(Not meant to bum anyone out eshi, just ranting. I'm sorry I disappeared)
💛




For anyone who wants to apply😊


Репост из: St.Paul's Hospital Millennium Medical College
Admission requirements
1. The applicant should only be who took Ethiopian higher education entrance
Examination (EHEEE) in 2023 GC
2. Ethiopian higher education entrance examination (EHEEE) result should be:
a. For Afar, Borna'zone (Oromia) BenshágnulGumz, Gabmbella, Somali,
South Omo zone (SNNP), Wagehmira Zone (Amhara) and West Omo
Zone (SNNP):
For Male 400 and above
For Female 375 and above
b. For All other regions:
For Male 450 and above
For Female 425 and above
3. The transcript average mark from 9th -12th grade should be 80% and above.
4. High school transcript from 9th -12th grade should be uploaded.
5. EHEEE result print out that show clear admission number should be uploaded.
6. Application fee of100 Birr should be paid and the receipt should be uploaded.
7. The application will be complete if all necessary information is filled and uploaded.
8. PLEASE VISIT https://portal.sphmmc.edu.et/Web/Announcement FOR ONLINE APPLICATION. APPLICATION will be accepted only ONLINE. DO NOT COME PHYSICALLY TO THE COLLEGE.
Remark
• Written examination accounts 60% and will cover , Situational judgment tests
• Multiple mini interview (30%) (only for short listed applicant's)
• Academic records accounts10% (Transcript 5 % and EHEEE result 5%)
• The maximum intake capacity of the college is 65 students
• From the total Intake 15% will be accepted from the following emerging regions and
zone: Afar, Benshangul -Gumze, Borena (Oromia), Gambella, Somalia, South
Omo (SNNP), West Omo(SNNP), Wagimera ( Amhara)
• Written examination will be held on Sunday February 26, 2023 GC
• Written Examination and Interview will be given only in Addis Ababa, and place of
examination center will be communicated on the college official website, Facebook
and Telegram account.
• Bank Account number of the college: Commercial Bank of Ethiopia, St. Paul's
Hospital Millennium Medical A/C Number 1000208431068
• Contact: - phone: +251118965125.
• Online application starts on Tuesday, February 14 and the deadline is Wednesday, February 22, 2023 at 5 PM (11 o’clock local time).


Your admin just turned 21. 😊


I usually look at my heavily congested class schedules for the coming months and wonder how exactly they were made to be the way they are. Did someone just squeeze whatever was possible into the time they were given, or did they plan for us to learn with the right pace and workload? Maybe it’s not up to them. Then who came up with the deadlines for what we need to know? Did that entity optimize ways we could input and digest information, or did they just assume we’re supposed to take in whatever was shoved into our tired minds? Do the people that expect so damn much from us also realize we have other things going on in our lives too? Does the teacher in class not just passively know but really understand that all the other teachers and subjects are just as bulky and pressuring? Is emotional frustration a concern in school curriculum designs too, or do they get recency bias and assume whatever is on our plate is so much “easier” than what’s on theirs? If I don’t make it, would any of them care, really, or is their only concern to make me do it all over again? If they read this, would they assume I’m just emotionally weak and tell me I don’t belong here? That this is only a place for the ones who can handle everything and still be able to plaster a smile on their face?… A game designed only for the deserving, right? Does that make me unworthy because they went through the same thing and came out just fine; because they memorized everything there was and came out the other side without a scratch?

I refuse to take any of that crap. Every last one of them was pushed against a wall at some point and felt like their lungs were about to give out. I know they all wanted to give up at some point. I know they have been where I am right now, I know I am no less than them, and I know I am worthy. They have no idea how much energy I have in me. They have no clue how bad I want to win. And I will, eventually.
Regardless of how things will go.
(2)

@thesunandherflowerss 💛


*has a long, busy, stressful day...decides to go to bed early*

"So 12 minus 4, that should be around 8 hours of sleep. I'll feel energetic tomorrow 😊"

*goes to bed, closes eyes, waits there awkwardly for the gods of sleep to come get me*

30 minutes pass by

"It's okay, I'm just a little early for my usual bed time. I'll be gone in a minute....right? 👀"

*tries forcing a yawn, rubbing my eyes, and every other google remedy*

"What were those ligaments that hold the liver in place, again?.....

Sleep, Eden, sleep."

Another 15 min

"Is this going to be like one of those days where I don't sleep enough and can't focus on work all day? Am I going to be half asleep tomorrow? Will I even be able to get through the 9000 slides waiting to rip me apart?"

*dormmates get into bed, fall asleep within 5 minutes, start snoring a bit 😂*

"I really shouldn't have slacked off last week. I always do this to myself. It's my fault, and I hate this"

*starts feeling my heart pounding against my chest in panic*

😑

*meditates, but waits impatiently for the video to end, thinks about those ligaments again, realizes I forgot them, freaks out, self-talks and calms down*

It's past midnight by then.

"Okay maybe this will work. Maybe my misery would be over. Should I get up and study? Or find some melatonin tomorrow if I can? Should I cry to a pharmacist and gain some sympathy?😭"

(Thank you, med school, for givjng me stress and insomnia while also managing to teach me about how bad they are for health 😂)


I prayed for the rainy season to be over the last time it was around. And I enjoyed the hell out of the sun but I think she was an everyday thing for me and I took her for granted. I'm really sorry and please, bring back the sunny days 🥲

Good morning, by the way. Have an awesome (preferably bright) day. 😊



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