Education Manager Office:
What to say and not say
On exam results day
Exam season can be a lot to bear. Kids are stressed and tired and, as parents, we feel frazzled too. We worry about their stress but also about the results. How could we not? The world is competitive and grades, or marks, matter. We want our kids to have as many options as possible.
But how we react to the results when they arrive is our own test. Whether we’re excited because they knocked it out of the park, or despairing because they couldn’t get their act together to study, exams offer us a rare opportunity to show children they matter for who they are, not just how they perform.
Dear parents/guardians:
Today, for our weekly message, we have chosen the following seasonal message related to exam results day. The message mainly focuses on what to do and what not to do as a parent on exam result day. Enjoy reading the points and try them to show that your children really matter for who they are, not just their exam results.
It’s a test we parents don’t always pass.
Thomas Curran, an assistant professor of psychological and behavioral sciences at the London School of Economics and Political Science, has documented the rise in perfectionism among young people. He finds it alarming, because perfectionism is associated with a lot of negative mental health outcomes. When he dug into the causes behind the increase, he found that rising parental expectations and criticism—having high standards kids feel they cannot meet—play a big role.
Curran doesn’t blame parents. He sees a system that demands a lot of kids, and kids and parents striving to meet it. But when expectations outpace what kids feel they can do parental stress makes it worse, not better.
Exams are an ideal time for parents to show that it’s the process and not just the marks that matters. We have a chance to convey three things: kids are worth way more than just their exam results; exam results measure academic performance, which is an important but narrow measure of what it means to be a good human; and effort takes guts.
“Children only have little shoulders and they carry this burden, and our job is not to add weight to that burden,” says Liam Cullinan, principal of Nord Anglia International School Abu Dhabi.
Here’s how best to handle good news and bad news:
✔️The praise
Praise should not come just with the good results. It should also go to kids who put in the time and effort and to kids who improve.
“Effort takes courage,” says John Miller, head of school at Eton School Mexico. “It’s being vulnerable as opposed to just discounting and ignoring the work.” Many kids don’t try because it’s better to not try and fail than to try, fail, and feel inadequate.
The goal of exams is to test knowledge. It’s also to see progress. When kids clock some gains, celebrate that. “I believe education is about reducing the gap between your current performance and your future potential,” Miller says.
✔️Praise progress, not just exceptional outcomes.
There’s another benefit to focusing on effort more than results: kids have way more control over it. A Researches show kids who are praised for their efforts try harder and persist with tasks longer than those who are praised for being “smart.” The “effort” kids have a growth mindset marked by resilience and a thirst for mastery; the “smart” ones can have a fixed mindset, believing intelligence to be innate and not flexible. These kids often want to play it safe, shying away from potential failure.
✔️The disappointment
Let’s say your child tried hard but fell short. They are devastated. Your job is to be there with them and wrap a blanket of love around them, says Cullinan from Nord Anglia Abu Dhabi.
Lisa Damour, a psychologist and best-selling author, talks about how to counsel a kid who gets bad result. Be there with them and stay calm.
